Ahhh fruitcake. No one seems to want it, yet thousands find themselves with the questionable substance in their possession every year around the holidays. If you’re unable to muster up enough courage to force the cake down, we have a few ideas regarding alternative methods to put the undesirable baked good to use.
Pass it off
Hello regifting. Such a classic and easy way to get rid of anything that you don’t want. Why trash the fruit-studded, alcohol infused stuff when you can force it upon some unsuspecting, innocent soul?
Is your face a little too close to the tabletop? Place a loaf of fruitcake on your chair before taking a seat. Problem solved. If you’re feeling extra bold take your fruitcake along with you to the theater. You never know when a NBA retiree is going to plop down right in front of you. (We recommend hiding the cake in your purse or satchel upon entrance.)
Build those muscles
So maybe you ate 94 too many cookies. Turn that arm flab into fab by doing a handful of fruitcake lifting reps each day. Bonus points if your fruitcake contains nuts. They add some weight!
Fuel the fire
You don’t need to be a boyscout to get a cozy fire going. Simply chuck your alcohol soaked fruitcake in the fireplace, strike a match, and you’re set. Make sure to have a fire extinguisher on hand just in case.
Are you a little too short? In addition to using your fruitcake as a booster seat, fruitcake can be utilized as a step stool in order to reach the highest shelf and finally see for yourself just how much dust has collected on top of your refrigerator. The abominable snowman won’t be needed to top your tree either.
Fido managed to lose his tennis ball. Again. Not to worry, toss your fruitcake in the backyard and he’ll surely retrieve it… maybe. Or better yet, he’ll bury it in the neighbor’s yard.
Often times burglars take advantage of the holiday season when tempting gifts are lying around everywhere. If you happen to catch an intruder sneaking around, bop him atop the head with that dense fruitcake then call the cops. You should have a bit of time before he comes to… fruitcake can be pretty hefty.
Find yourself drifting off at sea? Whip out your fruitcake and use that (somewhat) edible brick as an anchor. The fish probably won’t even touch it. Otherwise we would recommend using it as bait.
For the birds
Why waste perfectly good plain bread crumbs on the birds when you can toss them fruitcake that you’ve been trying to get rid of for years? Birds probably get tired of regular ole bread anyway. It’s a win win situation so go ahead and pat yourself on the back and make some new feathered friends… or foe.
Perhaps your bookshelf has a little extra room and your scandelous murder mysteries won’t stay standing. Simply shove that fruitcake in there and you’ve got a DIY bookend. How resourceful.
Let’s talk about it
If anything fruitcake is an excellent converstaion starter. Perhaps you’re stuck next to Great Aunt Sally at some holiday party and have literally nothing to say. But wait! You can certainly bond over how vile fruitcake is. There is only a .0037% chance Great Aunt Sally actually enjoys the stuff, so you should be safe.
Take a load off
You’ve had a long day, so naturally the couch is where you end up. Prop your feet up on a loaf of fruitcake for ultimate relaxation.
Are you somewhat intrigued? Bake up a fruitcake for yourself and give it a try. Who knows, you might end up taking a fancy to the holiday cake… it is soaked in alcohol, so how bad can it really be?
See more holiday recipes over here.