12 Things to Do with Fruitcake (Besides Eat It)

Ahhh fruitcake. No one seems to want it, yet thousands find themselves with the questionable substance in their possession every year around the holidays. If you’re unable to muster up enough courage to force the cake down, we have a few ideas regarding alternative methods to put the undesirable baked good to use.

  1. Pass it off

    12 Things to Do with Fruitcake (Besides Eat It)

    Hello regifting. Such a classic and easy way to get rid of anything that you don’t want. Why trash the fruit-studded, alcohol infused stuff when you can force it upon some unsuspecting, innocent soul?

  2. Sit pretty

    Is your face a little too close to the tabletop? Place a loaf of fruitcake on your chair before taking a seat. Problem solved. If you’re feeling extra bold take your fruitcake along with you to the theater. You never know when a NBA retiree is going to plop down right in front of you. (We recommend hiding the cake in your purse or satchel upon entrance.)

  3. Build those muscles

    12 Things to Do with Fruitcake (Besides Eat It)

    So maybe you ate 94 too many cookies. Turn that arm flab into fab by doing a handful of fruitcake lifting reps each day. Bonus points if your fruitcake contains nuts. They add some weight!

  4. Fuel the fire

    You don’t need to be a boyscout to get a cozy fire going. Simply chuck your alcohol soaked fruitcake in the fireplace, strike a match, and you’re set. Make sure to have a fire extinguisher on hand just in case.

  5. Step up

    Are you a little too short? In addition to using your fruitcake as a booster seat, fruitcake can be utilized as a step stool in order to reach the highest shelf and finally see for yourself just how much dust has collected on top of your refrigerator. The abominable snowman won’t be needed to top your tree either.

  6. Play fetch

    12 Things to Do with Fruitcake (Besides Eat It)

    Fido managed to lose his tennis ball. Again. Not to worry, toss your fruitcake in the backyard and he’ll surely retrieve it… maybe. Or better yet, he’ll bury it in the neighbor’s yard.

  7. Defense

    Often times burglars take advantage of the holiday season when tempting gifts are lying around everywhere. If you happen to catch an intruder sneaking around, bop him atop the head with that dense fruitcake then call the cops. You should have a bit of time before he comes to… fruitcake can be pretty hefty.

  8. Drop anchor

    Find yourself drifting off at sea? Whip out your fruitcake and use that (somewhat) edible brick as an anchor. The fish probably won’t even touch it. Otherwise we would recommend using it as bait.

  9. For the birds

    12 Things to Do with Fruitcake (Besides Eat It)

    Why waste perfectly good plain bread crumbs on the birds when you can toss them fruitcake that you’ve been trying to get rid of for years? Birds probably get tired of regular ole bread anyway. It’s a win win situation so go ahead and pat yourself on the back and make some new feathered friends… or foe.

  10. Book it

    Perhaps your bookshelf has a little extra room and your scandelous murder mysteries won’t stay standing. Simply shove that fruitcake in there and you’ve got a DIY bookend. How resourceful.

  11. Let’s talk about it

    If anything fruitcake is an excellent converstaion starter. Perhaps you’re stuck next to Great Aunt Sally at some holiday party and have literally nothing to say. But wait! You can certainly bond over how vile fruitcake is. There is only a .0037% chance Great Aunt Sally actually enjoys the stuff, so you should be safe.

  12. Take a load off

    You’ve had a long day, so naturally the couch is where you end up. Prop your feet up on a loaf of fruitcake for ultimate relaxation.

 

Are you somewhat intrigued? Bake up a fruitcake for yourself and give it a try. Who knows, you might end up taking a fancy to the holiday cake… it is soaked in alcohol, so how bad can it really be?

 

See more holiday recipes over here.

Thanksgiving Dishes with Throwing Potential

Thanksgiving Dishes with Throwing Potential

 

Expecting a heated discussion at the dinner table this year?

We’ve chosen a handful of popular Thanksgiving recipes that are ideal for chucking across the room… or smooshing directly into Uncle Alan’s face.

So warm up that arm of yours and strategically survey your options before the food fight begins.

 

Deviled Eggs

Dinner won’t be for another hour. You’re already starting to sweat. Cousin Ruby won’t stop babbling nonsense, and unfortunately the wine isn’t enough to drown out her incessant chatter. Oh but that platter of shiny, goopy deviled eggs is thankfully within arm’s reach. Simply grab an egg, casually wind up, then send that thing flying across the room towards your target. Success! At this point if you’re feeling confident, make eye contact and own up to your stunt or blame it on someone else. Just remember to stash a second egg in your front pocket. Ammunition you know. (You’ll probably need it later.)

 

Mashed Potatoes

Snowball forming and throwing techniques can be applied here. Your mountain man brother definitely has an advantage, so you’re going to want to coerce him into taking your side before complete mayhem breaks out.

 

Sweet Potato Casserole (with marshmallows, of course)

One word… marshmallows. Those gooey buggers are guaranteed to stick to your target. Send a wad of mallow covered sweet taters into the culprit’s hair (beards are best) then proceed to offer up a jar of peanut butter to help get the stickiness out because you’re so dang thoughtful. (Yes, peanut butter is sometimes used to get gum out of hair so why not marshmallows?)

 

Canned Cranberries (in can form, duh)

Thanksgiving Dishes with Throwing Potential

Clearly we don’t have a recipe for this one. But all you have to do is slink into the kitchen when the dining area begins to feel even tenser than normal, crack open a can or two of crans, then carefully squeeze the contents out into your ready hands. Reenter the danger zone, aim, and fire. Did we mention that cranberries stain? Well they do. Wear all black to dinner like a boss. At least you will be covered in case others follow your canned cran lead.

 

Brussels Sprouts

Stinky Brussels sprouts are hardly worth eating anyway. As soon as the squabbles commence, grab a handful of those suckers and make quick work of the room. Then quietly go back to enjoying your meal like nothing happened because you’re the only sane person around.

 

Dinner Rolls

Do we really need to spell it out for you. Dinner rolls are the perfect size and shape for chucking, and they’re the best option for long distance lobs. Seeking a freshman P.E. dodge ball redemption? This might be your best opportunity to do so.

 

Pumpkin Pie

Thanksgiving Dishes with Throwing Potential

Forget throwing when you can smoosh food right into someone’s face. Pie is a traditional option, so why not keep it simple? Extra credit if you manage to pile on the whipped cream before taking action. We’re all about maximum impact, but we do recommend reserving pecan pie for actual consumption… can’t let those expensive pecans go to waste.

 

Cold Gravy

You thought you’d make it through the feast without any bumps, but then your sister-in-law Carole had to start something after everyone finished up their last bites of pie. Of all the leftovers lying about, cold, gelatinous gravy is your best bet. Simply dip your cupped hand in there and expertly sling that stuff into Carole’s curls. Gravy is a fantastic conditioner, so she shouldn’t be too upset.

 

All jokes aside, we do hope everyone remains civil… unless someone nabs the last slice of Grandma Ethel’s famous all-butter crust deep dish heirloom apple pie before you manage to get a taste. (But that’s a whole other matter.)

 

Thanksgiving Dishes with Throwing Potential

And if you really cannot resist the urge to throw something, toss Fido a stray piece of turkey (or five) under the table. He’ll appreciate your generosity.

 

Looking for more Thanksgiving inspo? We have loads of delicious recipes to share with family and friends.

Need some help choosing which size turkey to purchase, figuring out how long it needs to thaw (if frozen), or how long to cook the thing? Hop on over to our handy turkey calculator.

Want to actually plan ahead? Schedule your recipes in Menu Planner.

Time to shop? Add ingredients to your Grocery List.

 

Ali G Invents the Ice Cream Glove

I just got back from the Keiretsu Angel Investors forum in San Francisco.  There, we heard pitches of all variety of quality. 

While the process is exhilerating and extremely well-run, the process itself is ripe for satire.  Ebullient startup CEO’s play Beat the Clock to explain their entire businesses (and industries!) in 10 minutes or less to a crowd with diverse expertise, and angel investors try to outdo each other with witty, self-deprecating introductions and reflections about their ascent into the multi-millionaires club.

Sacha Baron Cohen is famous for his character Borat, but before that, he had another character called Ali G. One of the funniest bits he did was a pitch of a couple fictitious business ideas — the Ice Cream Glove and the Hover Board. The satire is pretty rich, but believe it or not, I’ve got it on pretty good authority that some pitches really are this bad.