Ahhh fruitcake. No one seems to want it, yet thousands find themselves with the questionable substance in their possession every year around the holidays. If you’re unable to muster up enough courage to force the cake down, we have a few ideas regarding alternative methods to put the undesirable baked good to use.
Pass it off
Hello regifting. Such a classic and easy way to get rid of anything that you don’t want. Why trash the fruit-studded, alcohol infused stuff when you can force it upon some unsuspecting, innocent soul?
Is your face a little too close to the tabletop? Place a loaf of fruitcake on your chair before taking a seat. Problem solved. If you’re feeling extra bold take your fruitcake along with you to the theater. You never know when a NBA retiree is going to plop down right in front of you. (We recommend hiding the cake in your purse or satchel upon entrance.)
Build those muscles
So maybe you ate 94 too many cookies. Turn that arm flab into fab by doing a handful of fruitcake lifting reps each day. Bonus points if your fruitcake contains nuts. They add some weight!
Fuel the fire
You don’t need to be a boyscout to get a cozy fire going. Simply chuck your alcohol soaked fruitcake in the fireplace, strike a match, and you’re set. Make sure to have a fire extinguisher on hand just in case.
Are you a little too short? In addition to using your fruitcake as a booster seat, fruitcake can be utilized as a step stool in order to reach the highest shelf and finally see for yourself just how much dust has collected on top of your refrigerator. The abominable snowman won’t be needed to top your tree either.
Fido managed to lose his tennis ball. Again. Not to worry, toss your fruitcake in the backyard and he’ll surely retrieve it… maybe. Or better yet, he’ll bury it in the neighbor’s yard.
Often times burglars take advantage of the holiday season when tempting gifts are lying around everywhere. If you happen to catch an intruder sneaking around, bop him atop the head with that dense fruitcake then call the cops. You should have a bit of time before he comes to… fruitcake can be pretty hefty.
Find yourself drifting off at sea? Whip out your fruitcake and use that (somewhat) edible brick as an anchor. The fish probably won’t even touch it. Otherwise we would recommend using it as bait.
For the birds
Why waste perfectly good plain bread crumbs on the birds when you can toss them fruitcake that you’ve been trying to get rid of for years? Birds probably get tired of regular ole bread anyway. It’s a win win situation so go ahead and pat yourself on the back and make some new feathered friends… or foe.
Perhaps your bookshelf has a little extra room and your scandelous murder mysteries won’t stay standing. Simply shove that fruitcake in there and you’ve got a DIY bookend. How resourceful.
Let’s talk about it
If anything fruitcake is an excellent converstaion starter. Perhaps you’re stuck next to Great Aunt Sally at some holiday party and have literally nothing to say. But wait! You can certainly bond over how vile fruitcake is. There is only a .0037% chance Great Aunt Sally actually enjoys the stuff, so you should be safe.
Take a load off
You’ve had a long day, so naturally the couch is where you end up. Prop your feet up on a loaf of fruitcake for ultimate relaxation.
Are you somewhat intrigued? Bake up a fruitcake for yourself and give it a try. Who knows, you might end up taking a fancy to the holiday cake… it is soaked in alcohol, so how bad can it really be?
Take out all of your holiday related stress on those candy canes when you smash them up real good before gently folding them into the melted white chocolate. Bonus: this recipe only requires three ingredients!
Stir a few ingredients together in a cute jar with some instructions and you’re good to go. If your giftee appreciates a good challenge, feel free to leave out the instructions.
Cheese makes life better. This creative (and utterly delicious) dish takes advantage of leftover turkey and gravy… plus creamy avocado and polenta, gooey cheese, lots of spices, and black beans for an extra protein kick.
A classic strategy to use up all that turkey. You can’t go wrong with comforting noodle soup! Make a big batch and freeze the leftovers to enjoy later on. If you’re going the freezing route, leave out the noodles to avoid the whole mush factor. Simply add fresh noodles after you thaw and reheat the soup.
In our minds, dessert is hardly optional. Your dessert (and drink) stomach will appreciate these sweet recipes.
That’s right. Throw a fat slice of pie in the blender with a generous scoop of ice cream and get ready to experience an epic brain freeze… it’s near impossible to stop drinking this shake. Don’t forget to top the whole thing off with whipped cream!
If “cooking” is a foreign term to you, and you rarely set foot in the kitchen, contributing a dish or two for Thanksgiving is probably the last thing you want to do.
Before you resort to canned crans and store-bought pie, let us share a handful of super simple recipes and tips to make your life much easier and cooking very possible.
At the end of the day, it’s the thought that counts.
“A” for effort, you know?
Then you can always whip out that can… and bring some booze.
Cooking up a big hunk of meat may seem a little intimidating at first, but we believe in you! As long as you remember to thaw the turkey (if frozen) and don’t completely forget about your meat in the oven, there’s not much else that can go wrong. (Just keep telling yourself that.)
Embrace everything basic! Including your turkey. Remember to test the turkey temp (165 F) in the innermost part of the thigh, then let the thing rest (tented in foil) for 15 to 20 minutes before serving. (The temp will continue to rise a bit after you pull it out of the oven.) Need some help choosing which size turkey to purchase, figuring out how long it needs to thaw (if frozen), or how long to cook the thing? Hop on over to our handy turkey calculator.
Turkey isn’t everything. If you’re not feeling the bird, try your hand at prime rib instead. All you really need is patience.
Although this lighter baked sweet potato casserole with maple toasted marshmallow sounds pretty amazing, some of us don’t have the time (or experience) to make that edible masterpiece reality. These simple sides are still tasty and a bit more manageable. (If you love a challenge, go ahead and make the casserole… you won’t be disappointed.)
No one has to know that this dessert requires minimal effort. Bake until golden and bubbly, then serve warm. You can make the crisp ahead of time and simply reheat it in a 325 degree oven for 10 minutes right before serving… with vanilla ice cream.